Allegiant a terrible extension of a terrible series

We’re going to talk a lot about this movie and the series interchangeably in this review. That’s bad form, but it’s appropriate here for two reasons — one, The Divergent Series’ movies are so uniform and so uniformly flawed that it’s difficult to distinguish between them in the first place, and second, this movie absolutely doesn’t stand on its own as a narrative, and viewers who haven’t seen the first two movies will be completely lost watching it. So, those movies also come into play. Photos courtesy Summit Entertainment.

The Divergent Series was doomed from the get-go when they cast cardboard cut-outs Shailene Woodley and Theo James in the lead roles, and despite respected veterans Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts and Jeff Daniels joining the cast in each subsequent installment, it was always clear they were only there to cash a check. Word got out that the first movie was kind of a Hunger Games ripoff, and it was such a massive Hunger Games ripoff on both a high conceptual level and low execution level that that’s all anyone saw it as. The creative bankruptcy only got worse in the second one, and this third one feels like it was produced on autopilot by the same automaton that made Insurgent. No one really gave this series a chance, and it never really merited one.

Looking back on the series with one more movie to go, it’s impossible to ignore how bad these movies are in the theater, but also hard to be angry. You kind  of have to just shake your head in wonder.

The Divergent Series: Allegiant follows Tris Prior (Woodley) and her merry band, Four Eaton (James), Caleb Prior (Ansel Elgort), Christina (Zoë Kravitz) and Peter Hayes (Miles Teller) beyond the wall surrounding Chicago. After helping to depose Jeanine Matthews (Winslet) in the previous movies, Eaton’s mother, Evelyn (Watts) has taken power, and has sent her soldiers after the group for stupid reasons that don’t matter. Eventually, the heroes run far enough to discover the facility behind the Chicago enclosure and begin to unravel the mystery of their entire lives. It goes south, and the man in charge, David (Daniels), tries to kill everyone, once again for stupid reasons.

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YOU GUYS! CLOVERFIELD 2!!!!

Photos courtesy Paramount Pictures.

Well, not really.

10 Cloverfield Lane centers on Michelle (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), who is rescued from a one-car accident by Howard Stambler (John Goodman). However, instead of a hospital, Stambler takes Michelle to his underground bunker and holds her there, telling her that a weapon of mass destruction went off while she was unconscious and he decided to let her stay in his fallout shelter for the next year or two, along with Emmet (John Gallagher, Jr.). Not believing Stambler’s story, Michelle unsuccessfully tries to escape, starting a game of cat-and-mouse that lasts almost the entire film.

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All I hear is politics inside my brain, someone help me!

Zootopia images courtesy Walt Disney Motion Picture Studios. London Has Fallen images courtesy Focus Features.

At the end of Zootopia, the diversity hire cop turns to the camera and tells the audience that profiling and racism are bad, and we need to work together to eliminate them from our society. At the end of London Has Fallen, the black president turns toward the camera and explains that the doctrine of isolationism is false, and while some would say America is responsible for the violence in this film with its indiscriminate drone strikes, a lot more people would be dead without them.

There have been way too many primary debates this cycle.

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Triple 9 wastes excellent cast in hopeless mess

Anthony Mackie has been a bright spot in every movie he’s been in, and I was really excited to finally see him in a leading role, except he wasn’t. Despite playing by far the most interesting character, he’s pushed into the same blender as everyone else. Photos courtesy Open Road Films.

Sometimes a movie just doesn’t make sense. Not in a surrealist way that leaves you wondering what the monolith symbolizes, but in a practical way that leaves you wondering what the characters were doing and why.

Triple 9’s plot is almost too murky to even summarize. It starts with an Atlanta-based heist squad — leader Michael Atwood (Chiwetel Ejiofor), former special services squadmate Russell Welch (Norman Reedus), his younger brother and ex-cop Gabe (Aaron Paul) adding two new members — current cops Marcus Belmont (Anthony Mackie) and Franco Rodriguez (Clifton Collins, Jr.). The group is employed by Russian crime boss Irina Vlaslov (Kate Winslett), whose sister, Elena (Gal Gadot), has a child with Atwood. Vlaslov uses this as leverage to make the group work for her. After they complete an initial job, Vlaslov withholds payment, demanding they perform a second heist in a few weeks, this one nearly impossible. The group decides their only option is to murder a policeman — code 999, from which the movie gets its title — pulling the entire APD to the other side of the city for several hours. Meanwhile on the force, Belmont is saddled with an idealistic new partner in Chris Allen (Casey Affleck), whom the group quickly decides will be their sacrifice.

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Gods of Egypt, a visual-effects driven blockbuster, has some of the worst visual effects of all time

Photos courtesy Lionsgate.

Gods of Egypt, after the first trailer dropped, was immediately scheduled for crusafixion over its casting of almost uniformly white actors in a movie about the Egyptian pantheon, which obviously should be made up of black and Arabic actors. Unfortunately, the movie doesn’t need political reasons to be dragged through the mud because it’s one of the laziest, sloppiest things ever put to film.

If you haven’t seen it, and I hope you haven’t, you don’t understand. This is an affront to filmmaking.

At the movie’s start, god/king Osiris (Bryan Brown) passes the crown to his son, Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldeau). However, Osiris’ brother, Set (Gerard Butler) crashes the coronation with an army, kills Osiris and claims the Iron throne for himself. Though intending to kill Horus as well, the love goddess Hathor (Élodie Yung), Horus’ lover, begs for his life, so Set instead mutilates him, plucking out his eyes — the source of his power — and banishing him to the desert. The story centers around Bek (Brenton Thwaites), a mortal pickpocket who witnessed this coup. Like most mortals, he’s enslaved in Set’s reign, but his lover, Zaya (Courtney Eaton), is enslaved to Set’s chief architect, Urshu (Rufus Sewell). With plans Zaya provides, Bek steals one of Horus’ eyes, but Zaya is killed as they escape. Bek finds Horus and gives him the eye on the promise that, if Horus is able to reclaim the throne in nine days, he’ll bring Zaya back from the underworld.

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