On ‘Christopher Robin,’ ‘Eighth Grade’ and parents making movies about children

2/10 Oh my shitting God, they killed Christopher Robin’s parents too.

Disney’s Christopher Robin starts with the title character (Ewan McGregor, Orton O’Brien as a child) being sent to dreary, grey boarding school and necessarily abandoning his fuzzy friends that he brought to life with drawing and imagination. No sketching allowed in boarding school, I guess. Then, Disney kills his parents – his dad, whatever – breeds him with Hayley Atwell and sends him to die in World War II.

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Yes, ‘Mission: Impossible — Fallout’ is really that good

Mission: Impossible — Fallout has a way of ratcheting up the tension past where you think it could possibly go. Images courtesy Paramount Pictures.

9/10 I came into Mission: Impossible — Fallout wondering, if these movies are so good, why can I barely remember any of them?

I won’t be forgetting Fallout any time soon.

In the film’s opening, Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) and his team loses enough plutonium to fuel three nuclear weapons. They are sent to retrieve them, but only under the supervision of CIA assassin August Walker (Henry Cavill and his glorious $3 million mustache), who is authorized to kill him for any false move. Hunt continues his mission trying to save the world from impending nuclear annihilation, but tensions mount between him and Walker.

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Ambitious horror drama continues to shine in ‘Unfriended’ series

Image courtesy OTL Releasing.

9/10 And now for the surprise sequel to Unfriended, a movie that consists entirely of one long take on a single computer screen. It’s almost impossible to complete a movie within that specific a set of limitations and not have it be great.

Unfriended: The Dark Web takes place on the brand-new computer screen of Matias O’Brien (Colin Woodell), who has stolen a high-quality laptop that has languished for weeks in the lost-and-found at the coffee shop where he works. O’Brien needs a better computer to work on his Sign Language translation program, which he hopes will help him better communicate with his deaf girlfriend, Amaya DeSoto (Stephanie Nogueras). After an early argument with her, O’Brien joins a Skype chat with their friend group alone, but soon discovers the laptop contains horrifying snuff films of the original owner torturing young women. That owner soon discovers who’s stolen his laptop, and turns his attention to DeSoto.

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‘The Equalizer 2’ doesn’t have a plot

Image courtesy Sony Pictures Releasing

1/10 Every few weeks, I’ll check the views on this site and discover that my review for the first Equalizer movie has hundreds of views, for some reason. In it, I describe Denzel Washington as having come down with whatever strange disease is making Liam Neeson do all those terrible action movies, and what I eventually realized was happening was, every time there was a rumor that Denzel Washington was sick, Google would direct people to my site.

So, in the spirit of sequels, Denzel Washington is on his deathbed! His Oscar fell off his mantle and hit him and it left him brain-dead, and his rotten kids are going to pull the plug for the easy money!  

That’s not true. Mr. Washington is just fine, to the best of my knowledge. Please read my movie reviews.

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Eat shit, Disney

Last week, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced big changes for upcoming ceremonies at the behest of the Disney-ABC Television Group that owns the awards ceremony broadcast rights through 2028. Among other changes meant to reduce runtime and increase viewership that for some unfathomable reason do not include cutting the 20 minutes of uninspired foreplay from whatever late-night host they decided to permanently trivialize, the Academy will add a new Best Popular Film category to its slate. Details as to what qualifies a film as “popular” remain unknown.

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