The Open Bar Review – Tombstone

In which I desperately grasp for deeper meaning in 1993’s Tombstone, and Paul does not.

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‘Wonder Woman:’ the Good, the Bad and the Contextual

Another complaint about DC is its bleak, grey color palette. Wonder Woman addresses this criticism in its posters, but sadly, not the movie itself. Images courtesy Warner Bros.

7/10 Wonder Woman is an uneven experience. At its worst, it’s frustrating and cliched and laugh-out-loud ridiculous, but at its best it’s majestic.

In ancient times, after Ares awakened mankind’s warlike tendencies, Zeus created the amazons to appease them. The gods fought, and with his dying breath, Zeus hid his female warriors on the Isle of Themyscira and gave them a weapon powerful enough to kill the god of war, should he ever return.

In the late stages of World War I, American spy pilot Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) crashes into the uncharted island, bringing the fight to Amazonian shores. Upon learning about his mission and “the war to end all wars,” the mighty but naive Princess Diana (Gal Gadot) is sure it must be Ares’ work. She leaves the island to slay the god and put an end to all human conflict.

Yeah, you read that right. According to the backstory of this long-overdue instant icon of women in pop culture, man was combative and warlike until God created DAT ASS, which he did specifically to calm them down. There’s a bit to unpack here. Let’s get started.

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Come see our new ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie!

If you don’t come to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, how will you discover how Jack got that magic compass? I have seen your heart. The question has been burning inside you since he first hit the screen in 2003!

Anonymous Disney executive

13/10 Avast, scallywags of all ages! It’s me, your favorite corporate mascot, Mickey Mouse! And I want to extend to you a personal invitation to come see our all-new, all-different Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Dead Men Tell No Tales!

In this all-new adventure that is in no way a retread of much better movies, reunite with Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp). You love Captain Jack Sparrow. He’s on the run from Armando Salazar (Javier Bardem), the captain of another vaguely cursed undead crew that Sparrow has wronged in some way, and searching for the trident of Poseidon, another vaguely all-powerful artifact that allows its bearer to control the seas. It’s hidden on another legendary island that no one can find, and this time, Jack’s enchanted compass is even more conspicuously central to the cause.

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What can you say about ‘Baywatch?’

Images courtesy Paramount Pictures.

4/10 I really don’t know what to make of this movie. Can’t say it’s everything wrong with 2017 filmmaking, already did that last week. Can’t really say it’s juvenile, that’s the whole point.

On Emerald Bay, the renowned lifeguard team Baywatch holds grueling tryouts for new members every summer. Two-time Olympic gold medalist Matt Brody (Zac Efron), skilled swimmer Summer Quinn (Alexandria Daddario) and some guy named Ronnie (Josh Gad) —

Wait, that isn’t Josh Gad? Jon Bass? Who the hell is Jon Bass? This guy doesn’t even have his own Wikipedia page.

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40 years of ‘Star Wars’

Image courtesy 20th Century Fox.

Forty years ago today, 20th Century Fox dropped Star Wars off into the 32 theaters they could convince to screen it.

It was a Wednesday. The studio was worried the movie would be swallowed by other summer releases, so they pushed it back to Memorial Day weekend and gave it some room to breathe with a mid-week release, a tactic still common with movies a studio doesn’t expect to do well. Theaters didn’t even want it — Fox had to threaten to withhold Charles Jarrott’s The Other Side of Midnight, their most anticipated film of the summer, to get just those theaters. Some executives had an inkling that they had a hit on their hands, but no one really understood what was about to happen.

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