‘Mummy’ is messy

Images courtesy Universal Pictures.

3/10 The Mummy is the first entry in a series that had exciting potential, but instead turned into a pandering cluster that proves quality filmmaking isn’t a priority here.

While looting in Iraq, reconnaissance officers Nick Morton (Tom Cruise) and Chris Vail (Jake Johnson) accidentally discover the tomb of Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella), an ancient Egyptian princess who was buried alive 1,000 miles away from her homeland and wiped from its history books for murdering her family. Ahmanet had turned to worshipping Set, Egyptian god of chaos and violence, and was trying to bring him into a living body when she was captured. After being dug up 5,000 years later, she chooses Morton as a sacrifice to complete the ritual.

Ever since Marvel proved they could be a thing, studios have been looking for properties they can spin into cinematic universes. It’s viewed as a neat trick to guilt audiences into seeing movies they may not be particularly excited for so they’ll be up to date when the big crossover they are excited for hits theaters. Marvel’s actual neat trick, of course, is consistently producing movies that almost everyone likes.

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The Open Bar Review – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

In which Paul and I graduate.

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The Open Bar Review – Tombstone

In which I desperately grasp for deeper meaning in 1993’s Tombstone, and Paul does not.

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‘Wonder Woman:’ the Good, the Bad and the Contextual

Another complaint about DC is its bleak, grey color palette. Wonder Woman addresses this criticism in its posters, but sadly, not the movie itself. Images courtesy Warner Bros.

7/10 Wonder Woman is an uneven experience. At its worst, it’s frustrating and cliched and laugh-out-loud ridiculous, but at its best it’s majestic.

In ancient times, after Ares awakened mankind’s warlike tendencies, Zeus created the amazons to appease them. The gods fought, and with his dying breath, Zeus hid his female warriors on the Isle of Themyscira and gave them a weapon powerful enough to kill the god of war, should he ever return.

In the late stages of World War I, American spy pilot Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) crashes into the uncharted island, bringing the fight to Amazonian shores. Upon learning about his mission and “the war to end all wars,” the mighty but naive Princess Diana (Gal Gadot) is sure it must be Ares’ work. She leaves the island to slay the god and put an end to all human conflict.

Yeah, you read that right. According to the backstory of this long-overdue instant icon of women in pop culture, man was combative and warlike until God created DAT ASS, which he did specifically to calm them down. There’s a bit to unpack here. Let’s get started.

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Come see our new ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie!

If you don’t come to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, how will you discover how Jack got that magic compass? I have seen your heart. The question has been burning inside you since he first hit the screen in 2003!

Anonymous Disney executive
@M.EdgarMaus

13/10 Avast, scallywags of all ages! It’s me, your favorite corporate mascot, Mickey Mouse! And I want to extend to you a personal invitation to come see our all-new, all-different Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Dead Men Tell No Tales!

In this all-new adventure that is in no way a retread of much better movies, reunite with Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp). You love Captain Jack Sparrow. He’s on the run from Armando Salazar (Javier Bardem), the captain of another vaguely cursed undead crew that Sparrow has wronged in some way, and searching for the trident of Poseidon, another vaguely all-powerful artifact that allows its bearer to control the seas. It’s hidden on another legendary island that no one can find, and this time, Jack’s enchanted compass is even more conspicuously central to the cause.

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