If you don’t come to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, how will you discover how Jack got that magic compass? I have seen your heart. The question has been burning inside you since he first hit the screen in 2003!

Anonymous Disney executive
@M.EdgarMaus

13/10 Avast, scallywags of all ages! It’s me, your favorite corporate mascot, Mickey Mouse! And I want to extend to you a personal invitation to come see our all-new, all-different Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Dead Men Tell No Tales!

In this all-new adventure that is in no way a retread of much better movies, reunite with Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp). You love Captain Jack Sparrow. He’s on the run from Armando Salazar (Javier Bardem), the captain of another vaguely cursed undead crew that Sparrow has wronged in some way, and searching for the trident of Poseidon, another vaguely all-powerful artifact that allows its bearer to control the seas. It’s hidden on another legendary island that no one can find, and this time, Jack’s enchanted compass is even more conspicuously central to the cause.

He’s joined by Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites) and Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario), two up-and-comers who actually wanted to be a part of this movie and aren’t just doing it to recoup from a messy, extremely public divorce. We’ll make sure you love them just as much as the characters that made this franchise famous by fast-forwarding their character development with a blitz of bewildering expository dialogue. And if you don’t take to them, that’s OK too! We cast Anthony De La Torre as a young Jack Sparrow, so we can make a long spinoff series no matter which of our younger actors break out.

If you don’t like any of them, well, Depp isn’t quite dead yet, and he’ll blow through this money pretty quickly. We’ve got enough capital to get him and other famous actors like Bardem and Geoffrey Rush back again and again to share the screen with new, cheaper stars, until we find someone we can really relaunch the franchise with.

Listen — here at Disney, between Marvel, Star Wars and Pixar, we’ve had solid gold toilets installed in our guest bathrooms for years now. But without the Pirates of the Caribbean movies doing well, we may not be able to embed those toilets with free trade diamonds. We might have to resort to cheaper* conflict diamonds. Do you want that blood on your hands?

If not, you’d better come see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. Spring for 3D to get the full experience — people still go for that shit, right? Bring your family to pretend to spend quality time with. Absent-mindedly scoop that popcorn into your mouth — you don’t have to enjoy it. You just have to pay for it.

So come on out, and be sure to catch Cars 3, our next sequel to a franchise that hasn’t been popular for years, hitting theaters in less than a month! See you at the movies!

Leopold Knopp is a journalism student at the University of North Texas. If you liked this post, you can donate to Reel Entropy here. Like Reel Entropy on Facebook and reach out to me at reelentropy@gmail.com.

*blood diamonds are typically the same price as diamonds that don’t come from war zones, I’m not sure what Mickey is talking about here