3/10 Wonder Woman 1984 is not a film, it is a composite abomination in the spirit of Victor Frankenstein’s blueprints, a shambling patchwork horror of not just its surface-level influences, but the insane business practices and technological shortcuts that brought moviemaking to the point that this was an acceptable product. It is a monument to the madness that for decades Hollywood has refused to stay, the next step in an intellectual property arms race that Warner Bros. lost before it even began participating in and yet refuses to concede even as it is in the process of conceding. It is the modern product of an archaic factory serving a dying business model, one that it has turned against and is now helping to cannibalize.
Washington D.C., 1984- Diana Prince (Gal Gadot, who also produces) leads the archaeology department of the Smithsonian Institute, using the position to hunt for potentially dangerous artifacts of the Greek pantheon. Along with gemologist Barbara Anne Minerva (Kristen Wiig), she discovers the Dreamstone, one of six singularities an ancient gem with monkey’s paw-style wish fulfillment powers, granting any request but at great and unspecified cost. Diana wishes for the resurrection of Steve Trevor (Chris Pine), the first man she ever laid eyes on who, 66 years after his death, she has refused to move on from, and Minerva, who admires Diana, wishes to become “like her,” unwittingly making herself into a physical rival for Wonder Woman.
Infomercial personality Maxwell Lord (Pedro Pascal), who has been tracking the stone for years, gains access to the Smithsonian by offering a large grant to the archaeology department, steals the stone and uses his wish to absorb its power. Lord is instantly transformed into a warlock-god who can use the Dreamstone consciously, duping people into wishes that benefit him and leveeing costs that also benefit him. He begins frantically soliciting wishes from everyone he meets, sowing economic and political chaos and striking off the Cold War in a matter of days.
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