Sully kicks Oscarbate season off to awful, tacky start

Tom Hanks has almost always been overrated, and he’s really gone off the rails in his last couple of performances. In Sully, as in Bridge of Spies, he’s playing a real-life everyman who did something extraordinary who he clearly has a ton of respect for, so he adopts his super-cheesy “badass Tom Hanks” persona. It’s nothing like how we know Sullenberger behaves from interviews. Photos courtesy Warner Bros. Pictures.

In January 2009, Chesley Sullenberger successfully ditched a commercial airliner in the Hudson River, averting what would have been a massive plane wreck. Now, Clint Eastwood has made things right by making a biopic about him that is just as big of a wreck as the one he avoided.

Sully is the true story of Sullenberger (Tom Hanks), that fateful flight and its aftermath. Heading out of LaGuardia Airport in New York City, Sullenberger and first officer Jeff Skiles (Aaron Eckhart) run into a flock of geese that destroy both engines, turning their passenger airliner into a very expensive kite at just 2,818 feet. Instead of crashing into the most densely populated city in the world and killing everyone on board and hundreds if not thousands of pedestrians, Sullenberger glided the plane onto the Hudson River, a course of action which caused no one to die. The movie centers around an internal investigation from three unnecessarily antagonistic stooges who are terrible at their jobs (Mike O’Malley, Jamey Sheridan and Anna Gunn) trying to answer the question, “Would it be better if he’d just let everyone die?”

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Entropy on Labor Day — Davids rule the summer, Goliaths crash and burn

Image courtesy Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.

Labor Day weekend 2016 was bad.

If you discount last summer’s holiday weekend that saw War Room take the weekend crown, you have to go all the way back to 2005 to find a Labor Day weekend that did worse than this year’s abysmal $123 million cumulative total. The three-day total, which doesn’t take the actual Monday off into account, was just $96.4 million, the second lowest grossing three-day of the year only to Feb. 5 weekend’s $95.5 million, and isn’t likely to be undercut by even Halloween weekend, which usually brings up the caboose. The forecasts were so weak, Disney saw it as an opportunity to re-release Finding Dory, because that movie needed more padding on its totals.

This comes on the heels of what was generally a rebound from 2015, which was itself called a rebound from 2014, even though it really wasn’t. But 2016 was actually decent for movies. Instead of being propped up by one movie’s improbable success, comparing it weekend-to-weekend to 2015, it was almost always an improvement.

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Light Between Oceans delivers on promising cast, tough to enjoy anyway

Well they got the title right. “The Light Between Oceans” is an undeniably cool string of words. Photos courtesy Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.

I’ve never seen a movie that started this slow get this much slower.

Based on M.L. Stedman’s 2012 novel, The Light Between Oceans follows Tom Sherbourne (Michael Fassbender) as he returns home to Australia from World War I. Looking to get away from it all, Sherbourne takes a job as a lighthouse keeper on an isolated island off the western coast, but falls in love and marries a maiden from the mainland, Isabel (Alicia Vikander). The couple lives mostly in bliss, but after two traumatic miscarriages, Isabel has gone straight-up baby crazy. When a dingy washes up from the mainland with a dead man and an infant inside, Isabel convinces Tom to not report it and raise the child as their own. Years later, they the consequences of their decision when they learn of Hannah Roennfeldt (Rachel Weisz), the child’s biological mother who never stopped looking for her.

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Hands of Stone is an affront to history, filmmaking

Photos courtesy The Weinstein Company.

What were they thinking here? What was anyone thinking here?

Hands of Stone is a new biopic out of Cannes about legendary Panamanian boxer Roberto Durán (Édgar Ramírez, David Arosemena as a child) and his just-as-legendary trainer, Ray Arcel (Robert De Niro). The film covers his early life growing up in the slums of Panama City and the beginnings of his boxing career, through the “No más” fight against Sugar Ray Leonard (for some reason, Usher) and his comeback two years later.

Hands of Stone is one of the most poorly written and edited movies I have ever seen. It’s a cluster of approximations of scenes you’d expect to see in a typical, plain-jane boring boxing movie. This movie feels like Rocky as described by Donald Trump’s unintelligible stuttering — most of the information is there, but everything is garbled and in the wrong order. If you’re paying attention, you can get a vague sense of what the movie was trying to convey, but that carries with it the idea of how much better it could have been done.

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The Open Bar Review – Sausage Party

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