Salvage operation ‘All the Money in the World’ is pristine

Images courtesy TriStar Pictures.

7/10 Come one, come all, see the star-studded year-end Oscar contender you’ve come to expect in late December! It’s a true story brought to you by a name director and a cast that brings everything to the table! We’ve spared no expense to bring in Mark Wahlberg for his box office star power, Michelle Williams for her all world talent, and Christopher Plummer for his availability!

All the Money in the World tells the real life story about the kidnapping of John Paul Getty III (Charlie Plummer), who spent five months in captivity after disappearing from Rome in July 1973. The grandson of oil tycoon J. Paul Getty (Christopher Plummer), Getty III is set for a ransom of $17 million, but fearing that his other grandchildren would become targets, the senior Getty won’t pay it. Instead, he hires former CIA agent Fletcher Chase (Wahlberg) to retrieve his grandson the hard way.

Caught in the middle of it all is Gail Getty (Michelle Williams), John Paul III’s mother. Gail married into and divorced out of the family because of her ex-husband John Paul Getty Jr.’s (Andrew Buchan) alcoholism, an affliction that boxes him out of the current crisis. Gail must herself deal with her former father-in-law, who resents her for taking his grandchildren.

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‘Downsizing’ can’t find the intrigue in its own story

Well the small person effects are pretty fun, at least. Image courtesy Paramount Pictures.

4/10 Downsizing has some big ideas, but it can’t convert its passive protagonist into a more interesting movie.

In an attempt to save the human race from extinction while reducing the catastrophic effect we have on the planet, scientist Jørgen Asbjørnsen (Rolf Lassgård) develops a procedure to reduce living creatures to around 2 percent of their mass and volume with no consequences. Asbjørnsen and global governments set up communities for the tiny people who undergo the procedure, who are then able to live like kings because of how few resources that would then take, but over a 15-year period, the technology is quickly incorporated into the unrelenting hellscape of socio-political injustice the ’10s have become. Dissidents in oppressive countries are downsized against their will, people who choose to downsize face persecution because of the effect they’re having on the economy, and the same distinctly racial systems of inequality quickly form within downsized communities.

But Downsizing takes place far from the troubles associated with the procedure. It follows Paul Safranek (Matt Damon), who decides to get small with his wife Audrey (Kristen Wiig) but is abandoned by her soon after. After a year of declining economic status because of their divorce and his failure to transfer his medical license, Safranek meets Serbian partyboy Dusan Mirkovic (Christoph Waltz), who makes a fortune trading on the price difference between regular-sized and small sized goods.

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‘Shape of Water’ enjoyable, can’t help but feel underwhelming

So we’re just gonna gloss over how weird it is to want to have sex with a frog person? Call it a “love is love” thing? OK, I guess. Images courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

8/10 The no. 1 movie of the year at the box office is Beauty and the Beast. Its top Oscar contender is Mutey and the Frog Person.

Guillermo del Toro’s The Shape of Water follows Elisa Esposito (Sally Hawkins), who serves as the janitor at a top-secret government facility in Baltimore alongside Zelda Fuller (Octavia Spencer). One day, Robert Hoffstetler (Michael Stuhlbarg) and Col. Richard Strickland (Michael Shannon) bring in a top secret specimen to study in the hopes that it’ll help them in the space race. Esposito and Fuller are given access to the chamber to clean it, and they discover it’s a frog person (Doug Jones). Esposito was rendered mute as an infant. She starts teaching it sign language, and she starts to fall in love with the frog person. Eventually, she needs to boost it from the facility, because Strickland wants to dissect it.

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‘Greatest Showman’ not enough

The Greatest Showman’s laziness is truly baffling when the talent level of the personnel involved is taken into account. High-level song and dance numbers would be child’s play to Jackman and Efron, but even in their one big scene, the singing is clearly dubbed and their dances are only captured with a careless three-camera coverage setup. Images courtesy 20th Century Fox.

4/10 The Greatest Showman has some lofty ambitions, but it’s just kind of shitty.

The film is a heavily fictionalized account of the life of P.T. Barnum (Hugh Jackman) and the founding of the circus in the 1840s and ’50s.

The main advertising boast for The Greatest Showman was its connection to last year’s breakout favorite La La Land — songwriters Benj Pasek and Justin Paul wrote lyrics for both of them. So when we compare it to La La Land later, well, they asked for it.

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‘Jumanji’ is shockingly stellar

God, it seems like half the frame is Karen Gillan’s bare skin — how did they think people would just go with this? Images courtesy Sony Pictures Entertainment.

9/10 Now this is how you do a reboot.

In the all-new, all-different Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, the board game from the 1995 original has evolved into a video game. Where it used to bring the jungle to the players, now it brings the players to the jungle, absorbing them and transforming them into their video game avatars.

Lost to time, the game is unearthed by four high schoolers in detention, which it quickly ensnares. Disgraced football star Anthony “Fridge” Johnson (Ser’Darius Blain) becomes the tiny Franklin “Mouse” Finbar (Kevin Hart), the group’s zoologist and weapons specialist; popular girl and cell phone addict Bethany Walker (Madison Iseman) becomes the obese and extremely male cartographer Shelly Oberon (Jack Black); the shy Martha Kaply (Morgan Turner) becomes Ruby Roundhouse (Karen Gillan), a scantily clad assassin; and nerdy video game expert Spencer Gilpin (Alex Wolff) becomes the bold, muscle-bound archaeologist Smolder Bravestone (Dwayne Johnson). Their only way out is to finish the game by returning the sacred jewel, which is provided, to the jungle’s guardian jaguar, but Russel Van Pelt (Bobby Cannavale), who is possessed by the jewel and commands all of the jungle’s beasts, will stop at nothing to reclaim it.

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