COVID-19 is strong, but not as strong as family

Images courtesy Universal Pictures.

3/10 F9: The Fast Saga parks itself in a completely incomparable place in movie history. With a $70 million debut followed by a $29.1 million performance over the long Independence Day weekend, it is this movie that christens the post-pandemic era of the U.S. box office, not Black Widow, which released with a same-day streaming option, not Godzilla vs Kong in March, and certainly not Tenet, which attempted to spur a new wave of releases in September and failed. This is a once-in-a-lifetime – hopefully – flash photo of how we conceive of blockbusters at this point in history, both the movie that kick-started the box office after a year of dormancy and, more importantly, the franchise that was counted on to do it.

There’s no uncertainty about it anymore: this is what we want from movies now.

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‘Army of the Dead’ is here to remind you that Zack Snyder used to be a respected filmmaker

Zombie tiger! Images courtesy Netflix.

7/10 In Zack Snyder’s Justice League, Snyder’s name famously appears before even the Warner Bros. logos. In the electric opening credits sequence for Army of the Dead – a depiction of the city falling to a zombie plague and being walled off set to “Viva Las Vegas,” regrettably the only time the movie actually makes use of its location and by far the best part of a quite decent film – writer/cinematographer/director/producer Zack Snyder’s name appears a whopping six times.

In Zack Snyder’s Army of the Dead, a military convoy traveling from Area 51 is sucked into a head-on collision by some newlyweds giving each other road head on the way to Las Vegas. This frees their cargo, a single zombie, who unleashes a plague on the nearby city, which must be walled off to contain the horde. Years later, with 96 hours left before the government nukes the problem away, casino owner Bly Tanaka (Hiroyuki Sanada) recruits Scott Ward (Dave Bautista) to recover $200 million in cash still stashed in his vault beneath the Strip.

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‘New Order’ is a bullshit snuff film, what the fuck is going on at Venice

Image courtesy Videocine.

1/10 New Order came out of the quiet 2020 film festival circuit heavily decorated with the Grand Jury Prize from the Venice International Film Festival and rapturous marketing that was, if anything, more than proportionate.

If only I’d done a bit of research before walking in.

Mexico City- As a seething mass of poor protestors overtakes the city, blocking infrastructure, murdering and marauding along the way, a rich family holds its wedding as planned, deliberately and forcefully unaware of the chaos until it is upon them. The Mexican army uses the riot as cover to establish a military dictatorship which is worse than the rioters in every way, with the corrupt military kidnapping, raping and murdering at will.

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‘Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard’ is a 100-minute blast of chaotic evil energy

After a bit part in the prior film where her fame and sudden appearance was as big a part of her performance as the actual performance, Hayek is right in the middle of Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard, often literally. Images courtesy Lionsgate.

8/10 Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is a riot. It’s a trashy, meat-and-potatoes genre piece that’s light on the meat, but it’s got an avalanche of potatoes, and that’s just fine.  

The Italian Riviera- Michael Bryce (Ryan Reynolds), suffering post-traumatic nightmares after the previous film, takes sabbatical away from guns and all manner of violence while he waits for his bodyguarding license to be renewed. Sonia Kincaid (Salma Hayek), also on the riviera for her honeymoon, pulls Bryce out of his peace to help rescue her husband, Bryce’s archnemesis Darius Kincaid (Samuel L. Jackson). After a successful rescue, all three of them are blackbagged and blackmailed into working for Interpol in lieu of the critical mole they just killed to stop a plot to demolish the European power grid. They’ll intersect with this plot in a few different ways, but the Kincaids are mostly interested in returning to their honeymoon with Interpol’s money.

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‘In the Heights’ flat in every possible sense of the word

Images courtesy Warner Bros. Pictures.

2/10 In the Heights is borderline unwatchable. Everything is bad. Alice Brooks’ cinematography is downright incompetent, and every decision by editor Myron Kerstein is questionable at best and obviously wrong at worst. Jon M. Chu is a weak director, befitting a project that seems to have been someone else’s afterthought from the first day of production to release. To make matters worse, writer/producer Quiara Alegría Huedes, who co-wrote the original musical with producer/actor Lin-Manuel Miranda, has made some baffling decisions in adaptation that beg serious questions about how well she understands her own work.

Washington Heights, Manhattan, summer- Usnavi de la Vega (Anthony Ramos) runs a corner bodega as the summer reaches its peak. He dreams both of getting back to his native Dominican Republic and of Vanessa Morales (Melissa Barrera), a salon worker who herself dreams of getting out to Lower Manhattan and opening her own business. Meanwhile, Nina Rosario (Leslie Grace) has returned from Stanford University, and struggles to tell her father Kevin (Jimmy Smits) that she doesn’t want to go back. Benny (Corey Hawkins), Kevin Rosario’s employee and Nina’s boyfriend before she went to Stanford, rekindles their romance. The story is told by de la Vega to his children at least a decade in hindsight from his father’s idyllic coastal bar El Suanito back in the Caribbean.

In the Heights is clearly not worthy of the show it was based on. There are constant, basic film language problems that call less for a review and more of a scene-by-scene breakdown of all its failures.

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