‘Moonfall’ is a feature-length Q drop, merchandise included

Images courtesy Lionsgate.

1/10 If the frequent Qanon-related kidnappings and other stupid acts of violence are suddenly all being committed in the all-new Lexus NX, the only vehicle rugged and agile enough to get you through the coming storm, Moonfall will definitely be the reason why. 

In Moonfall, the new Qanon power fantasy from writer/director/producer/”master of disaster” Roland Emmerich, the moon begins to fall toward Earth, causing several problems. UC Berkeley janitor K.C. Houseman (John Bradley), a prominent “megastructurist” who believes the moon is a hollow, artificial structure, is the only one who notices that –

Well – the moon’s descending orbit is such that it’s barely noticeable for more than a decade, apparently even for Houseman, but then is all of a sudden three weeks from impact. It’s a movie, the math doesn’t have to work out. But, and this is the point, it creates a dynamic where the whacko who obsessively watches the moon for evidence of it being hollow notices just a few hours before NASA, and thus all his other assumptions must also be confirmed and the magical mathematics of his delusion become mission-critical.

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Hollywood: Back to normal?

Is Hollywood back to normal?

Well, nothing is ever really going back to normal. We’ve all experienced almost two full years of life since the first lockdowns in the U.S. It’s impossible to just snap back to a pre-pandemic world and even more impossible to snap back to our pre-pandemic selves. We are all highly plastic bundles of nerves draped under intricate and remarkably vulnerable layers of flesh desperately sucking memory and evidence of some higher meaning out of the electrical signals our probes pick up as we march inexorably toward death, and unfortunately, the past two years of that march counted.

OK, but is Hollywood back on its pre-COVID course?

Oh! Also no. No, of course not, what a stupid question that is!

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‘Screaming’ in a post-satire world

Image courtesy Paramount Pictures.

The first thing to notice about Scream 5 is that it isn’t “Scream 5.” Despite being a direct sequel in the same continuity, the number has been left off all official marketing material, and there couldn’t possibly be a better metaphor for a movie this lost in time and this lacking in its own identity.

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Reexamining ‘The Matrix’ as primarily a love story

Images courtesy Warner Bros.

Reactions to The Matrix Resurrections, the new long-gestating revisitation of the turn-of-the-century series, have been extremely strong and extremely mixed in ways that I don’t feel like quantifying. I’ve been torn between the desire to write about it and the desire to not actually dig through and really understand criticisms of the film that appear to be too varied for any kind of systematic approach.

The core of it seems to be that most everyone takes The Matrix really personally, which makes a ton of sense – the film’s central metaphor can be applied to just about any institution or cultural norm, and it can be a bit of a Rorschach test. How you read this film, which parts of it are important to you, it says something about you. Instead of trying to respond to points that appear to be completely different from one person to the next, I wanted to spend some time on what makes The Matrix personal to me and why The Matrix Resurrections ends up flowing so naturally from that.

These observations came from revisiting the sequel material for the first time since seeing them in theaters, but it’s also spelled out in a friend’s longform video essay here that keenly predicts what we end up seeing in Resurrections – relevant bit starts at 36:20. I’ll try not to repeat them too much, but there will be some overlap.

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Baffling, bad, bland ‘355’ a hopeful franchise starter, likely a career ender

Image courtesy Universal Pictures.

1/10 There’s such a stigma around early January releases that at this point, any time a movie gets put in those slots, I stop for a while and laugh at it. Putting a movie with a major budget here, where it will wither under the glut of Christmas releases, is such an early admission of failure that you have to wonder what’s already gone wrong. Thanks to the COVID-19 crisis, writer/director/producer Simon Kinberg’s The 355 got not one, but two early January release dates.

The 355 is a movie about a team of female secret agents called Fox Force Five – “Fox,” as in they’re a bunch of foxy chicks, “Force” as in they’re a force to be reckoned with and “Five” as in there’s one two three four five of them. The redhead, Mace Browne (Jessica Chastain, who also produces), she’s the leader. The Chinese fox, Lin Mi Sheng (Bingbing Fan), is a kung fu master. The black girl, Khakijah Adiyeme (Lupita Nyong’o), is a cybersecurity expert. Columbian fox Graci Rivera’s (Penélope Cruz) specialty is therapy. The German fox, Marie Schmidt (Diane Kruger), doesn’t seem to have a specialty, but she does always have a knife.

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