Reel Entropy

‘MMMMMMMMMMURICA!!! Photos courtesy 20th Century Fox

Advancement, Daybreak, Construction, Erection…

In Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Caesar (Andy Serkis) led an ape revolution after being subjected to Will Rodman’s (James Franco) miracle Alzheimer’s drug. At the beginning of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, multiple newsreels explain that most of humanity has been wiped out by an apocalypse-level flu epidemic — conveniently caused by that same drug.

The apes live in peace in Muir Woods. Humans live in a dense colony on the San Francisco Peninsula. The two come into contact when the humans, within two weeks of running out of power, try to restart a hydroelectric dam in the apes’ woods. In a bizarre combination of un-Sign Language and broken English, the apes demand the humans stay on their side of the bridge. But they can’t do that, because electricity.

There’s knowing how the story will go, then there’s Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. I’ve genuinely had less predictable experiences reciting the alphabet. Every dramatic moment is telegraphed.

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This July 4 weekend looks to be the most boring since 1986, when Psycho III was the headliner. Between Transformers: Dinobots, McCarthy, Another Exorcism Remake and WALL-E Phone Home, there is literally nothing appealing out right now. But these films are all fantastic specimens of the kind of repetitive tripe that Hollywood is always giving way too much money to. We’re not going to validate these films with an actual review — that would be one word, “derivative.” What we’re going to do is pick them apart and examine what makes them so like everything else.

Photo courtesy Paramount Pictures

Disaster movies follow several primary characters from different walks of life as they deal with massive, destructive sequences of CGI that are completely beyond their control.

The term evokes natural disaster movies, but weather movies are some of the worst members of this story structure. In truth, they’ve taken over for action movies as the most titillating, high-profile affairs of the summer. There are some transition movies — several recent superhero movies have featured massive destruction in their plot — but large, extended scenes of destruction have mostly taken over for taut action sequences in the past few years.

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How were these guys popular? They’re just nasal! It’s like Frankie Valli has convinced the whole world to give him credit for the hold-your-nose-and-talk-funny trick. Photo courtesy Warner Bros. Motion Pictures.

How many synonyms are there for the word “lifeless?”

That’s the only word to describe Jersey Boys, but for descriptions sake there need to be more. Based on the smash hit Broadway musical, the film follows the development and dissolution of the Four Seasons, a band that, somehow, was popular in the ’60s. The movie is narrated by each in turn — Tommy DeVito (Vincent Piazza), a thug who wants to earn a fortune with a calculated attempt at music; Bob Gaudio (Erich Bergen), a songwriting genius who makes the band popular; Nick Massi (Michael Lomenda), an extra person so the band has four; and Frankie Valli (John Lloyd Young), a singer more nasal than a sinus infection.

They grow popular… somehow, I mean they’re just terrible, and then fall apart because of DeVito’s severe behavioral and gambling problems.

Inert, empty, extinct, dead…

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Hiccup (Jay Baruchel) has the coolest flight suit in this movie. And a lightsaber, apparently. Photos courtesy 20th Century Fox

What is there to say about How to Train Your Dragon 2?

Its several plot lines defy any strong description. The movie starts with Hiccup (Jay Baruchel) and his dragon, Toothless, mapping out the surroundings of their island home, Berk. During their cartography, they come across another group building up a dragon army to take over the surroundings. This yields the movie’s main antagonist, Drago Bludfist (Djimon Honsou).

Hiccup’s father, Stoick (Gerard Butler) wants to make him chief, but Hiccup doesn’t want to be chief, and so there’s a whole “But father, I just want to sing!” element. He also runs across his long-lost mother (Cate Blanchett) in a plotline that’s mostly there to make people sad later.

The movie definitely isn’t good, but it’s not exactly bad either. It’s a kid’s movie and a sequel, and it comes with a lot of generally accepted indiscretions for kids’ movies and sequels. There’s a lot of muted toilet humor, the kind of draw-laughs-through-discomfort jokes that fit the profile of raunchier, more adult-oriented comedies but are toned down for kids and won’t make anyone else very uncomfortable. There are also quite a few short-attention-span breaks, scenes that don’t contribute much but are fun to look at and function mostly as a random dance break.

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