Swiss Army Man is the funniest thing in theaters, but only if you’re into fart jokes

Photo courtesy A24.

The thing about comedies is, like any joke, they ultimately comes down to the joke-teller’s sense of humor.

Co-writer/directors Daniel Scheinert and Daniel Kwan have a really weird sense of humor.

Swiss Army Man opens on Hank (Paul Dano) cast away on a deserted island and about to hang himself, having long-since run out of food. Before stepping off, he sees a bloated corpse (Daniel Radcliffe) has just washed ashore. Hank investigates, thinking he may be alive, and discovers that the corpse is farting. But these are no normal farts — they come in an endless stream, and are powerful enough to propel the corpse across water. Hank rides the corpse across the ocean, but must still get through a vast wilderness to get to civilization. The corpse reveals more and more useful tricks at every turn and eventually begins to speak and keep Hank company. Hank dubs him Manny, the Swiss-army man, and begins to teach him about love, sex and civilization.

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Secret Life of Pets is… you know

I didn’t pay as much attention as I should have to Secret Life of Pets because I found out about the Dallas shooting halfway through. However, the movie should have been engaging enough that I wasn’t idly checking my Facebook in the middle of it, so… you know. Photo courtesy Universal Pictures.

I mean… you know…

The Secret Life of Pets follows Max (Louis C.K.), a Jack Russell Terrier who is way too in love with his owner, Katie (Ellie Kemper). This becomes a huge problem when she brings home another rescue dog, Duke (Eric Stonestreet), who establishes himself as the alpha. Max tries to get Duke thrown out, and while out for a walk with an absent-minded professional walker, their fight brings them out of the dog park and they end up lost in the streets of New York City.

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INDEPENDENCE DAY EXTRAVAGANZA: Everything you need to know about the movies that couldn’t beat a three-week old cartoon about a talking fish

 

It’s actually nowhere near as bad as we first thought.

2016 has been bad enough to finally cause Hollywood to re-examine the sequel-based business model, but this is the single weekend everyone will be pointing to. The biggest weekend of the year yeilds three new releases — the second sequel to a bizarrely popular horror franchise, a Spielberg-Dahl adaptation and a live-action Tarzan movie — all expected to finish second place to leftovers, despite the latter two of them costing a combined $320 million to make.

Over the three-day weekend, the expectation was the inexpensive one would pull in $30 million, Tarzan would bring in around $25 million and The BFG wouldn’t break $20 million, and that’s kind of what happened, but the actuals have a couple of key differences that completely change the narrative. One, the totals are all a few million higher — the weekend’s total gross was expected to come in at just under $200 million, but as of Monday morning it’s already at $214.6 million and expected to add another $7 million over the holiday. The other difference is that Legend of Tarzan, expected to be another big-budget embarassment for Warner Bros., almost doubled expectations with current estimates putting it at a $45.6 million four-day total. We’ll get into the economics of the situation during the week, but first, here’s some reviews.

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Deep horror, shallow exploitation

Lively pushes herself to the limit here and does a fantastic job, but this script is so reliant on the lead role I can’t help but wonder how much further a stronger actor could have elevated it. Photos courtesy Columbia Pictures.

Looking up The Shallows, you notice a few things — it stars Blake Lively, who can’t act, it’s directed by Juame Collet-Serra, who only directs awful Liam Neeson vehicles that aren’t even the famous ones, and it’s sitting at a respectable 75 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, far-and-away the highest-rated live action movie out right now.

The movie follows Nancy Adams (Lively) through a nightmare trip to the beach. Adams has recently lost her mother, a fellow surfer, and to get away from it all, Adams has come to the far reaches of Mexico to a beach her mother said was where she found out she was pregnant. After a day of catching waves on the secluded strand, Adams is attacked by a shark, hobbled, and stranded on a rock just out of earshot from the shore. In several hours, the tide will come in and she will be submerged again.

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The demons were inside us all along

Christina Ulsh
@Stina_Ulsh

Amidst blood and glitter, The Neon Demon is a visually striking tale of vanity and jealous rage.

Jesse (Elle Fanning), a 16-year-old orphan, becomes part of the Los Angeles modeling scene after photographer Dean (Karl Glusman) discovers her online and uses her for a macabre photoshoot. She catches Ruby (Jena Malone), a make-up artist, staring at her after the shoot, who then takes Jesse to a party and introduces her to models Sarah (Abbey Lee) and Gigi (Bella Heathcote). Jesse is perpetually reminded of her natural allure by men and women alike. Sarah notes beauty has an expiration date, comparing Gigi to sour milk and Jesse to fresh meat. This idea is perpetuated by intermittent images of wild animals and the hungry eyes that follow Jesse. Sarah and Gigi are eventually ousted by the up-and-coming youth, causing vanity to take on a demonic form.

Quiet and still aren’t typical qualities of a modern movie that captivates. The Neon Demon, however, relies heavily on the two and shines like a glitter-encrusted Elle Fanning.

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