Stop what you’re doing, don’t even finish this review, and go see ‘Parasite’

Images courtesy Neon.

10/10 2019 Palm d’Or winner Parasite screams into American theaters as a decent choice for film of the decade. Advertising has been meticulously kept free of plot details, to the point that even the premise is a bit of a spoiler. As such, this entire review should be considered a spoiler, and this is one of the rare films that really benefits from a viewer going in completely blind, so if you haven’t seen it, please stop reading. Do not rob yourself of the full pulse-pounding, gut-busting experience of this film. 

Spoilers below.

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‘The Lighthouse’ is definitely a movie

Images courtesy A24.

9/10 A few weeks after Joker brought the “we live in a society” meme to incredibly vivid life, Robert Eggers and A24 one-upped it by bringing the mad munchkin viral video to theaters in The Lighthouse, which sees Robert Pattinson at one point scream, “You’re not God or my boss or my father!”

In The Lighthouse, two lighthouse keepers (Willem Dafoe and Pattinson) set up on a remote island off the coast of New England for a four-week assignment. The elder keeper spends the entire night shift with the glorious holy light at the top of the tower and leaves all the hard day labor to his apprentice, who quickly loses his mind. 

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‘Current War’ electrifying, a systemically perfect film

“A city of light. I have built it already in my imagination, and it is perfect.” Images courtesy 101 Studios.

10/10 The Current War was the last film Harvey Weinstein worked on, and consequently took a bit of a serpentine path to theaters. Weinstein, who is listed as a producer but not credited, had reportedly re-edited the movie despite producer Martin Scorsese having final cut privileges, and that’s the cut that was screened at the 2017 Toronto Film Festival — a month before the Weinstein scandal took off that October. Director Alfonso Gomez-Rejon got Scorsese to pull the film outright, did some reshoots and shaved 10 minutes off the cut, and what’s finally been released two years later is called “The Director’s Cut” to distinguish it for the small handful of people who know that story.

It’s a long and winding journey, unlikely to yield anything that makes it to the big screen, let alone this dazzling lightning bolt of cinema. 

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‘Countdown’ is some top-tier horror garbage

Everyone who downloads the app makes a big deal out of exasperation at the mere thought of reading the terms and conditions, and while they’re used to identify the curse, we don’t get into them quite enough for my liking. Images courtesy STX Entertainment.

7/10 Countdown is a dirt-cheap jump movie that gives you everything it’s got from the word “go.” 

In Countdown, an app that reportedly tells users their exact moment of death goes viral. For some, it’s a simple joke, but for others like recently graduated nurse Quinn Harris (Elizabeth Lail) who are told they only have a few days to live, it prompts a quick change of plans. Harris cancels a trip with her family to visit her mother’s grave after learning she’ll be killed during the scheduled time, causing her to be haunted by the curse that powers the app. 

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Inconsequential sequels sweep through cinemas

Images courtesy Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures and Sony Pictures Releasing. And yes, I know the sizing is off but I seriously don’t care.

In an era of long-awaited sequels, remakes and “soft reboots” that roll into theaters decades after their corresponding media, Disney’s and Sony’s Maleficent: Mistress of Evil and Zombieland: Double Tap were the least long-awaited, releasing five and 10 years after their originals, respectively. These movies were dropped on Oct. 18, just before the annual box office slowdown around Halloween.

3/10 Maleficent: Mistress of Evil picks up a few years after Maleficent left off. Princess Aurora (Elle Fanning), who has become the standing queen of the Moors and goddaughter to Maleficent (Angelina Jolie, who also produces), is proposed to by Prince Phillip (Harris Dickinson), who is played by a different actor and hails from a different kingdom than Maleficent’s Prince Phillip, but is firmly implied to be the same character. Maleficent, who is feared by the people of Ulstead, is invited to a state dinner to celebrate the proposal, where Phillip’s wicked mother, Queen Ingrith (Michelle Pfeiffer), implies that she will be a better mother figure to Aurora and wow, I don’t care. Holy crap, I do not care about this.

4/10 Zombieland: Double Tap picks up a few years after Zombieland left off. The original film’s family unit of nameless nomads, Tallahassee, Columbus, Wichita and Little Rock (Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin) have taken up residence in the White House, finally having a place to stay long-term. Columbus proposes to Wichita, which freaks her out, and Tallahassee’s paternal bond has worn on Little Rock, so the sisters set out to – man, I just really don’t care. I can’t even begin to force myself to be interested in this.

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