Teen movie satisfactory

Fault in stars

Author John Green (center) plays around on a swing set with lead actors Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort. John Green is the best.

The Fault in Our Stars seemed pretty much doomed from the start. Bearing that in mind, it’s a remarkably enjoyable movie.

Based on the 2012 book which was a smash hit with critics, audiences and publishers, the film follows narrator Hazel Grace Lancaster (Shailene Woodley), a 16-year-old cancer patient who is at the stage where she could go downhill at any minute. Early in the story, Lancaster meets Augustus Waters (Ansel Elgort), who at 18 is recovering from osteosarcoma, and the two begin to fall in love. The film centers around their attempt to pack a life time of experience into their numbered days.

The book version was written by John Green, and it’s his poetry and electricity that make the book go. His words pop off the page like Dickens, and it never would have translated to film anyway because it’s primarily narration. It’s the kind of thing that won’t translate to film at all, and becomes boring and obvious when people attempt to do it — think of Divergent and the animated Dark Knight Returns as examples of movies that, at various points, jump the shark to fit in a cool line that was simply narrated in the book. With the beating heart of the source material unable to make the transition, the movie was already at a significant handicap.

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Yes, it was a rape scene. Deal with it.

Maleficent 4

Maleficent (Angelina Jolie) awakens, covered in filth, to discover she’s been violated while she slept. No! Not like that! God, that would be horrible — no, she just had her wings cut off. Photo courtesy Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.

Early in Maleficent, the titular fairy (Angelina Jolie) is lulled into a sense of security by her childhood friend, Stefan (Sharlto Copley), and given a date-rape drug. The dying king had just announced that the man who brought him Maleficent’s head would succeed him, and Stefan was abusing his relationship with Maleficent to gain this stature. Unable to kill her, Stefan instead carves off her wings, and leverages that trophy into the same reward.

This has been called a rape scene, and the people who’ve identified it as a rape scene are in turn being called out for “trivializing rape.” Those making this second claim are stupid, but they are numerous and demand response.

One — yes, this was a rape scene. Of course it was a rape scene. It was obviously a rape scene, how could you possibly not understand it was a rape scene. Two — saying this idea “trivializes” rape reveals a deep lack of understanding about what rape is as well as an almost psychotic sense of importance on the literal act of coitus.

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A million ways to laugh

One of the most visibly uncomfortable actresses named during Seth MacFarlane’s “We saw your boobs” song at the 2013 Oscars, that was actually Charlize Theron’s prerecorded response. She says she loved the skit. Photo courtesy Universal Pictures

A Million Ways to Die in the West is a vanity piece, and that’s being counted against it and I don’t know why. Pretty much everything Quentin Tarantino has ever made could be considered a vanity piece to some degree. Alfred Hitchchock was such a perfectionist he used to not let people into his movies if they were late. There’s nothing wrong with vanity pieces if the driving mind is good at movies, and with two entries, Seth MacFarlane seems to be.

His new movie is set in the old west. His character, Albert Stark, is dumped early in the film by Louise (Amanda Seyfried) for the town mustache groomsman, Foy (Neil Patrick Harris). Dejected, Stark is pushed into a duel by Anna Barnes (Charlize Theron), who also teaches him to shoot. Stark and Barnes begin to fall in love, but Barnes is already married to vicious killer Clinch Leatherwood (Liam Neeson).

The thing about Seth MacFarlane’s work — even the shit on TV like Family Guy — is, the first time, it’s genuinely very funny. The constant repetition is what pushes it down. Keeping with Family Guy, the show has 231 episodes but TBS only airs, like, 15. So the seemingly prevalent idea that this movie wouldn’t be funny because Stewie and Brian’s dance routine wasn’t funny the 18th time is pretty disingenuous.

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Movie based on nostalgia for Sleeping Beauty aimed primarily at Sleeping Beauty’s audience

UPDATE: Apparently, according to folklore, iron forged over a cold anvil is said to be able to ward off fairies. It doesn’t change the assessment that this particular plot point was explained poorly and applied inconsistently or that the film as a whole shouldn’t have been made, but it’s important to note that there is a basis for this.

Maleficent 1

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream… Photos courtesy Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

Maleficent is about Maleficent, but not “Maleficent” Maleficent. It’s not the character who’s been around since 1959, they just have the same name and wardrobe and parent company.

The film follows its title character (Angelina Jolie, with Ella Purnell and Isobelle Molloy playing younger versions) as she develops a relationship with Stefan (Sharlto Copley, played by Toby Regbo and Michael Higgins in these scenes). Stefan goes to the human kingdom to make his fortune, but runs across Maleficent again when the army he’s joined tries to take the Moors, the fairy kingdom of which Maleficent has become protector. Stefan takes advantage of their relationship and Maleficent’s allergy to iron — Iron? Seriously? — to become king. Suddenly and inexplicably evil, Maleficent curses his daughter to die on her 16th birthday.

Here’s the paradigm on which Maleficent’s character has worked for more than 50 years: Evil is Cool. Why is Darth Vader so much more iconic than Luke Skywalker or Han Solo? Because Evil is Cool. Why did the British Villains Jaguar advertisement completely overshadow the American Bob Dylan Chrysler advertisement at the Super Bowl? Because Evil is Cool.

Maleficent is Evil, and therefore Maleficent is Cool. Pop quiz — Why is Maleficent Cool? It’s because she’s Evil.

Maleficent 2

I have a riddle. What wears a black robe and Satanic headdress, is completely evil, and murders small children for spite?

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They “Blended” an entire continent

Blended wouldn’t really be worth mentioning if it weren’t extremely racist.

The film introduces single father Jim Friedman (Adam Sandler) and single mother Lauren Reynolds (Drew Barrymore) on a biblically awful blind date, then promptly sticks him and his three girls and her and her two boys in the same room of a romantic resort for mixed families in Africa. Where in Africa? I don’t know, just Africa. Mildly romantic shenanigans ensue.

Blended’s biggest surprise is how funny it really is. Several of its skits rise above the level of droll and into the territory of mild amusement. It’s also heartwarming to see simple, good parenting be a movie’s main act of heroism.

There’s also a strange amount of adult content in the movie. It was released against the hotly anticipated X-Men: Days of Future Past on the assumption that it would draw more family audiences, but X-Men is actually much more family- and child-friendly than Blended is.

Its good bits and bad bits, however, are overshadowed by its cultural appropriation of an entire continent.

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