ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED

Minions was enjoyable enough. It was exactly what everyone expected it to be — a two-hour romp with your favorite characters from Despicable Me, but none of the plot or understandable dialogue. For better or worse. Photos courtesy Universal Pictures.

There’s been a lot of noise about the McDonald’s Happy Meal toys cursing, exposing children to language that their virgin ears just shouldn’t hear. What they’re really saying is far more sinister.

The toys in question are tied in to the movie Minions, a spin-off from the Despicable Me franchise. The movie chronicles their passage from the dawn of time to their meeting of Gru (Steve Carell), their master in the first movies. After millenia of wandering the earth, inadvertetly killing every master they attach to, the minions are in self-imposed exile in the antarctic, but without a master, they fall into a clan-wide depression. Three — THREE — minions, Kevin, Stuart and Bob (Pierre Coffin, who also co-directs with Kyle Balda) venture to America to work for Scarlett Overkill (Sandra Bullock), a legendary thief, who can’t be bothered to steal the Crown Jewels herself and sends the minions to do it for her. The plan backfires when Bob withdraws Excalibur from the stone and becomes the rightful king of England.

It is important to note that while the other minions have two eyes, Bob, the king, has one. You know what else has one eye?

The film tries to string together a sketch-comedy style plot with the adorable pills standing in for comedians, and it’s at its best when it stays within these sketches. The delight of minions has always been their peerless ability to express emotion without getting bogged down in dialogue, and these skits bring that out.

This movie confirms what the awakened have long suspected of the Illumination Entertainment films. Those lemon-flavored — they turn into bannanas in the movie, but that’s just to throw us off the scent — Tic Tacs aren’t speaking gibberish. They’re talking to your children. They’re telling them what to do. You know what they’re saying.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Swear on your life you don’t? This may be hard for the uninitated to swallow, but the minions have been priming our children for the coming storm for five years now. When Despicable Me 3 hits in 2017, they’ll be ready, but Minions gives a glimpse of their plans now. After the adventerous trio — THREE — call out to their brothers to come to England, the minions in the arctic read an old map, and go to where England used to be. Australia. India. The U.S.

It’s all there. Black and white. Plain as day. Obvious as the fact of a second shooter. At the film’s climax, they even have Kevin grow into a giant, a clear reference to 9/11 — clear to those who know what really happened, at least.

Once they’ve taken our guns away, Palestine and Boko Harram will invade from Mexico, and we shall all be slaves to their one true master — her Majesty the Queen. All will be as it was. The sun shall never set on England. Food and oil will be rationed for the plenty of the elite, and families will weep as they sew endlessly, but reap nothing. Those who did not value their temporary lives and freedoms shall writhe in brief but brutal agony as they realize they had given their existence no meaning. The oceans will rise and reclaim our beloved port cities, and the stars overhead will go black. The angel with the seven-bladed sword shall abdicate her post, for no paradise could exist in this world, and the blasphemers who prosthelatized “evolution” shall be made to lay with apes and swine, and the seven seas shall become as blood as the mighty Britannia rules the tide once more.

Don’t believe me? Then answer me this — why is the name of popular president Abraham Lincoln often shortened to Abe, an abbreviation with three — THREE — letters? Checkmate, atheists. Checkmate.

Too often, though, it turns into a music video, or some weird blow-up doll gag with Bob and the fire hydrants. Really, what’s going on here?

Nothing can stop this. They have only to remove those that know of their plan. Now they’ll kill you, too.

Looking over your shoulder? They’re coming from behind your other shoulder. Planning on exiting out the back? Their people are everywhere. Sleeping with one eye open? They’ll strike in broad daylight. They have all the money. The law is on their side. They know exactly where you are, and they know exactly what you smell like.

They are coming.

They are coming.

Leopold Knopp is a formerly professional film critic, licensed massage therapist and journalism student at the University of North Texas. They’re watching. You have to dig faster! I’ve had a change of heart about reader input. It is now welcomed and encouraged. Like Reel Entropy on Facebook, follow it on Twitter @reelentropy, and shoot questions to reelentropy@gmail.com.

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One Response to ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED

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