‘Fifty Shades Darker’ isn’t even good for a laugh

Images courtesy Universal Pictures.

1/10 Listen

Spanking isn’t kinky. It’s not even sexually explicit, it mostly exists in the context of corporal punishment. These movies are about this supposedly hardcore relationship that climaxes out at spanking and I just

Fifty Shades Darker picks up where Fifty Shades of Grey left off — just after Ana Steele (Dakota Johnson) leaves Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) because she can’t handle spanking. Grey quickly gets her back, promising to just date her and not make her sign some insane contract, and they have a relatively normal, happy relationship for the rest of the movie.

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‘Batman’ a fun satire for all ages

Image courtesy Warner Bros. Pictures.

7/10 The Lego Batman Movie is harmless. It’s perfectly placed counter-programming for parents looking to bring their kids on a Valentine’s date, fluffy and inoffensive.

In the movie, Batman (Will Arnett) is at his crime fighting peak, but is assailed on all fronts by his life’s emptiness. It’s immediately clear that he’s lonely not because no one wants to be around him, but because he won’t accept the love that’s offered to him. He’s unwilling to validate the Joker (Zach Galafianackis), who takes solace in being his greatest villain. He’s infatuated with new police commissioner Barbara Gordon (Rosario Dawson), but not willing to formally work with her. He denies Alfred Pennyworth (Ralph Fiennes) as his father figure and refuses to pay attention to Dick Grayson (Michael Cera), whom he absent-mindedly adopts. When faced with a larger challenge than he’s ever dealt with, Batman must learn to accept help and friendship.

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‘Rings’ a flavorless snoozer

Rings feels remarkably similar to The Bye Bye Man, an equally bland, poorly acted C-horror movie obsessed with its own mythos that just released. Photo courtesy Paramount Pictures.

‘Member The Ring? The movie that single-handedly launched the short-lived J-horror period in the early ’00s? It was really popular.

Fifteen years ago.

In the soft reboot Rings, trouble comes to paradise when Julia (Matilda Lutz) and her boyfriend, Holt (Alex Roe), are separated by his going to college. When Holt mysteriously stops returning her texts, Julia goes after him and discovers him embroiled in a cult-like extra credit group devoted to studying an unsettling video tape which curses viewers to suffer seven days of hallucinations and then die — unless they can get someone else to watch. Julia watches Holt’s tape to save him, but experiences harsher hallucinations faster than anyone else in the study group and eventually discovers she can access an entirely different video. Ringleader and incredibly irresponsible anthropology professor Gabriel (Johnny Galecki) theorizes that Samara (Bonnie Morgan), the spirit who haunts the video, has selected Julia for something special.

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The Open Bar Review – A Series of Unfortunate Events

In which Paul and I discuss the new Netflix show, A Series of Unfortunate Events. 

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You don’t get to see ‘Resident Evil: The Final Chapter’

Stills courtesy Screen Gems.

If there’s one unifying factor in the Resident Evil series, it’s that you don’t get to see the coolest things it has to offer. In the worst example, the series’ third movie, Extinction, ends on a cliffhanger with dozens of Alice clones preparing to go to war, but the first 10 minutes of the next movie, Afterlife, are dedicated to extinguishing that plot point. This leaves room for the series to bring us all the ham-fisted exposition it can think of and extend its least remarkable stunts with slow motion.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter continues that tradition and takes it to the extreme.

Ten years after the evil Umbrella corporation released the zombie-creating T-virus, which ravaged humanity, Alice (Milla Jovovich, who can’t get much work outside this series) learns of an anti-virus under the corporation’s control — but also that in two days, the last outposts of humanity will be wiped out. She returns to Raccoon City, where the series began, reuniting with Claire Redfield (Ali Larter, who can’t get much work outside this series). With a handful of allies, they assault Umbrella’s underground base to claim the anti-virus from arch-villains Albert Wesker (Shawn Roberts, who can’t get much work outside this series) and Alexander Isaacs (Iain Glen, who was on Game of Thrones).

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