OK Leo. It’s 11:50. You’ve been putting it off all night. Time to go see Hot Pursuit.
I don’t want to go see Hot Pursuit.
Oh, whatever! You go see movies you don’t want to see all the time.
That’s different. If I didn’t go see movies I didn’t want to see in January and February, I’d be out of a job for two months.
OK, well, nothing else is coming out in wide release this week because they’re all scared of The Avengers, so you’ll be out of a job for a week if you don’t go see this one. It’s releasing in 2,700 theaters and will probably take no. 2, so a lot of people are going to see it, and a very small fraction of them will be relying on you to tell them what to think about it afterward. Do I have to convince you that what we do is important again?
No, listen, this really is different. Yeah, it’s forecast at no. 2 — for less than $20 million. Age of Ultron is looking at more than four times that much in its second weekend in America. We go to the movies two or three times a week, and we’ve yet to see a single trailer for this thing. Even the studio doesn’t care about it!
You’re on the internet! You can watch the trailer right now!
OK, so the trailer is dogshit, but it’s a girl’s night out type movie coming out on Mother’s Day weekend, Sofía Vergara’s in it so there’s going to be a huge Hispanic crowd, can’t we go see it for the people it’s aimed at? This one actually has a woman director, people make a big deal out of that sort of thing. Isn’t breaking the straight white male monoculture in Hollywood something we support?
Yes! But Hollywood hates women! And Mexicans! Any time a movie is aimed at them, that movie is terrible! They either pander to the chintzy romantic drivel that people think women enjoy or stop the movie for a few minutes to educate everyone on Hispanic culture, or they try to do that stereotype “reclamation” thing that minorities do where they use negative stereotypes to their advantage and somehow convince themselves white men aren’t still laughing at them. We saw it in the trailer when Vergara started going on about her period to gross those cops out and when every Mexican in the entire movie was part of a cartel. And that female director? That’s Anne Fletcher, the mastermind behind 27 Dresses and The Proposal. This lady is the person they point to when they want to say that women can’t direct!
Reese Witherspoon and Vergara have made entire careers out of being annoying. And as if there were any doubt, this thing is sitting at 7 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. There is just no way we’re going to actually enjoy this, or even have something unique or interesting to say about it. We’ve got that post about the Age of Ultron slut shaming going up in the morning, that’s more important anyway. Plus, Maggie and Far from the Madding Crowd are coming out in DFW this week. Can’t we skip this?
How about we go to the noon showing at Movie Tavern tomorrow and get that caeso you like?
…God damn it.
Leopold Knopp is a formerly professional film critic, licensed massage therapist and journalism student at the University of North Texas. Why do you people love The Equalizer review so much? I’ve had a change of heart about reader input. It is now welcomed and encouraged. Like Reel Entropy on Facebook, follow it on Twitter @reelentropy, and shoot questions to email@example.com.