Tombstones a novel-like movie, which is a novel concept considering that it was adapted from a novel

I never would have guessed that Liam Neeson could make a mullet work like that, but he rocks it hard in the flashback sequence. Photo courtesy Universal Pictures.

A Walk Among the Tombstones, based on one of Lawrence Block’s novels about private detective Matthew Scudder, looks like it would have been a fantastic book.

The film stars Liam Neeson as the title character. An alcoholic eight years sober, Scudder works as an unlicensed private detective after accidentally killing a 7-year-old in an off-duty shootout while working as a cop. He takes the case of Kenny Kristo (Dan Stevens), a drug dealer whose wife has been kidnapped and gruesomely murdered. Scudder uncovers a pair of vicious serial killers who the cops won’t touch. Along the way, he befriends TJ (Brian Bradley), a homeless black kid with sickle-cell anemia, and attends a lot of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

The saying goes that the book is always better than the movie, but A Walk Among the Tombstones goes beyond that. The story was made for novelization. There are a ton of characters with important roles. There are high-arcing periodic and existential themes, the kind that you hear about in books but not in movies often because they’re relatively easy to capture with words but extremely difficult to shoot, so difficult that filmmakers often have to sacrifice some form of marketability to really do it right. There’s a negotiation later in the film in which Scudder establishes that a kidnapped girl is still alive by having the kidnapper relay information that she would have that is clever but not dramatic — it’s exactly the kind of thing that would play well in a book, but isn’t at all cinematic.

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Yet another Harry Potter/Lord of the Flies/1984 wannabe wanders into theaters

Good lord, another one…

The Maze Runner is yet another young adult franchise start-up centering around a young protagonist trying to save the world from evil adults. This movie promised a few more twists, but it absolutely does not deliver.

The movie tries to add themes about post-pubescent tension and fear of leaving home, but it’s about as heavy-handed as Donkey Kong. At one point someone literally asks how girls work. Photo courtesy 20th Century Fox.

It follows Thomas (Dylan O’Brein) as he rises from The Box. The Box takes him to the center of The Glade, where he is greeted by The Gladers, who tell him nothing about where he is or how he got there. The audience already knows what they are refusing to explain — they have been trapped at the center of a shifting maze filled with Greavers, freak-tacular giant spider looking things that are fortunately nocturnal, by unknown watchers and none of them can remember anything — but the film spends a good hour-hour and 15 minutes before it gets to parts of the plot that aren’t necessarily known by every viewer who saw even one trailer.

While everything in the promotional material makes sense and is quite appealing when put together, the other plot details are completely nonsensical. The boys are some of the worst communicators ever filmed, there’s this whole weird thing that happens when someone gets Stung*, they’ve established a caste system to fit in with other young adult novels’ bizarre obsession with caste systems…

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No good movie goes unspoiled by producers

It’s easy for bean-counters to ruin good ideas of movies, and it looks like that’s what happened with No Good Deed, but the good idea shines through brightly.

In the film, neglected housewife Terri Granger (Taraji P. Henson) is home alone for the night again with her two children when Colin Evans (the incomparable Idris Elba) comes calling. Evans is a particularly charismatic homicidal maniac stuck in the rain in need of a phone call, and Granger does her good deed by letting him in. After half an hour of sinisterly being a quiet, polite house guest, Evans begins to terrorize Granger and her children.

There are a few nice touches of symbolism in this. There are also a few nice touches of shirtless Idris Elba. Photo courtesy Screen Gems.

The movie’s light marketing effort has mostly been aimed toward its closing plot twist, and it is a very nice closing twist as long as the viewer understands what it means for the meta-story and is willing to forgive the poor premise execution for the film’s first hour.

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FUCK THIS SUMMER

There’s something magical about summer. Backyard grills, relaxing with friends, studios pushing the boundaries of what’s even theoretically profitable by throwing as much money as they can at the craziest kook they can find who knows how to operate a camera, thinking that they’ll make it all back.

The first Blockbusters were simply movies that made a ton of money — epics that really spoke to a lot of people like Gone with the Wind and The Ten Commandments. The first movie to establish blockbusters as a category of movie instead of a category of profitability was 1975’s Jaws. This was primarily due to the film’s marketing — it pioneered heavily in tie-in merchandise and television commercials. Jaws wasn’t just a movie, it was a cultural event.

A can’t-miss event. Everyone would be there. Everyone. Much like we’ll go to see the third Hobbit not because we think it’ll be good, but because it will be inevitable, much like social media turns specialized social issues into something everyone simply has to weigh in on, Jaws was a universal experience.

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bland, crappy hede about bland, crappy horror movie

As Above, So Below is a mess. A stinking mess.

Scarlet Marlowe (Perdita Weeks), a doctor in archaology, doctor in chemistry, speaker of six languages, master glassblower and journeyman gourmet pastry chef who works part time as a tech support engineer, is looking for the Philosopher’s Stone. She’s traced it to a hidden chamber in the clearly haunted catacombs beneath Paris. She gathers a reluctant crew to search through the graves, eventually discovering the Infernal Gate.

ROCK MONSTER!!! Note how blurry this still is. All of the scares in this movie are in sudden movements that spend a split second on some vaguely scary shape. Frankly, I’m surprised the rock monster has even this much detail. Photo courtesy Universal Pictures.

The film is nonsensical. There’s clearly a lot more to the plot than what is actually shot, and the audience can fill in some of the blanks, but it shouldn’t have to.

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